Not for the first time, the San Antonio market is being teased with the possibility of the Oakland Raiders relocating to somewhere nearby. On this occasion — in the wake of the NFL’s decision to allow the Rams (and possibly the Chargers) to take up tenancy in the proposed mega-complex planned for Inglewood, CA — we’re told that Mark Davis would consider San Marcos, TX for the site of a new, purpose-built Raiders venue. Putting aside for a moment the unlikelihood of Jerry Jones or Bob McNair allowing a competitor in the market, Texas’ 3rd NFL franchise is gonna need a nickname. And if you’ve seen Mark Davis’ haircut, you already know that guy cannot be trusted to make major decisions. Fortunately for all concerned, I’m here with a surplus of brilliant ideas.
1) San Marcos Outlet Shoppers
When you think San Marcos, you think bargains. Slightly dented Bose headphones. Mountains of unsold Nike crap. Stuff from Pottery Barn that’s still overpriced at 75% off. And if you’ve seen Mark Davis’ haircut, you know he loves bargains, too. Why not pay homage to the region’s number one, well, check that, sole cultural or economic highlight?
2) San Marcos Whiskey Rebels
With all due respect to Austin’s rich musical heritage (Bob Schneider, Comforter, TV Torso), San Marcos is the longtime home of Rancid Vat’s Whiskey Rebel. That fact alone makes it a mystery why a major sports franchise has yet to set up shop in this emerging market.
3) San Marcos Snake Farmers
OK, the notorious, badly-reviewed Animal World & Snake Farm Zoo is technically located in nearby New Braunfels. But being geographic LIARS never stopped the Giants or Jets, and most importantly KIDS LOVE SNAKES.
4) San Marcos Cougars
Who amongst us doesn’t have fond memories of ESPN’s gritty “Playmakers” series, most notably the exploits of characters like rookie RB Demetrius Harris, veteran QB Derek McConnell and closeted WR Thad Guerwicz? Here’s the plan : sign the entire cast (though with a wig and plastic surgery, Davis can play owner Gene Wilbanks) and simply pick up where the critically acclaimed first season left off. As is, the current Raiders aren’t likely to contend, and Texas State’s Bobcat Stadium has already been employed for scenes in TV’s “Friday Night Lights”. Ratings juggernaut + low overhead while construction costs on the Whiskey Rebeldome soar into the billions. You can thank me later (preferably with cash — don’t talk about free tickets, if this clusterfuck comes to pass no one in their right mind is going near I-35 on a Sunday).
